Security Theater😂

 

Lately, my sister and I have engaged in numerous conversations about the intriguing group of individuals known as security guards. When we talk about them, it's a blend of exasperation and amusement. They can be quite frustrating, but due to the frequency of our encounters, we've found humor in the situation.

You know that feeling when you share similar experiences with a particular group, even if they're miles apart? Well, that's how I feel about security guards. It's like they're all part of an underground club, and their mission is to keep us entertained with their unique brand of security theater. They've got this knack for being annoying.

Well, it didn't start with just one bad encounter, trust me. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but they managed to ruin it, and now, thinking back on these experiences is almost funny. Buckle up; I'm about to take you on a rollercoaster ride through my comical run-ins with these folks.

I'd never really crossed paths with security guards until I landed a job as a front-end cashier at a shopping mall back in 2020. Now, the deal was, we had to undergo a search upon entry and hand over any money we had since we were handling cash up front. It was meant to make sure we weren't taking more than we should. I mean, fair enough, we were handling cash, but these security folks took suspicion to a whole new level.

Honestly, I had no issue with the security checks themselves. It's just that these security folks had a way of making you feel like you were smuggling the entire company's fortune when you left. Suspicion was their middle name. Leaving your shift felt like you were trying to sneak away with the Crown Jewels. Their suspicious glares were legendary, and it seemed like they secretly wished you'd mess up, just so they could pounce on you.

And let me tell you about tips from customers. You'd think explaining it to the front- end controller and remitting it would be enough, right? Nope, the security team had to get involved and act like it was a crime scene. Accepting tips from generous customers turned into a full-blown criminal offense in their eyes, until it was their turn to be tipped.

So, fast-forward to 2022, I find myself doing my industrial training in a pharmaceutical company, and guess who makes a triumphant return? You guessed it – the security guards.

It's funny because, by then, I had almost forgotten about them. But lo and behold, there they were, back in my life. I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought. It's like they have a way of popping up when you least expect it.

So, there I was, dealing with their antics all over again, and it was almost comical how predictable they were. Oh, those security guards at the pharmaceutical company, they really do take the cake, don't they? It's like they have a checklist of quirks to go through every day.

First off, they ask you the same questions day in and day out. There's this lady in her blue and black uniform who doesn't exactly seem like she fits the part, but she's all about putting on a professional act. Every day, she leans forward, sticking her head through the peephole in the tall entrance gate, and hits me with that same "Can I see your ID Card, please?" line, as if we've never met before. Even though she could probably recognize me in a crowd blindfolded. Well, at least she is diligently carrying out their duties.

Now, if you happen to forget your ID card one day, it's like they're the guardians of some secret club. They won't let you in, no matter how well they know you. Some of them even make it a game, making you search for your card like it's a treasure map, and they're timing you, saying, "Find your ID card or face the consequences!"

At some point, some of them even decide to break the ice and be overfriendly. It's almost like they're trying to make up for all the suspicion they've dished out in the past. It's funny how past experiences can make even friendliness seem a bit suspect, right?

Oh, you just can't escape these security guards, can you? Same 2022, I was volunteering as a children's worker at camp, and I wanted to step outside the camp gate, only to run into them once again.

This time, it's a whole new level of absurdity. One of them decides that I can't leave without a permit and actually believes I’m a child, despite the fact that I’m clearly not. I mean, come on, I may not be a giant, but my face screams "adult," right?

It can be really frustrating when they just won't acknowledge the obvious, but hey, at least I can take solace in the fact that they're all part of the same security guard group chat. It's like they're in on the joke together, making life just a tad more interesting wherever I go!

Oh, I almost forgot these set, the University of Benin security guards, the campus detectives! They do seem to have their own set of rules and moods, don't they? It's like they've got a secret mood dial they turn whenever they please.

Some days, they're as reluctant as a teenager being asked to do chores, and other days, they're hyperactive like they're auditioning for an action movie. It's a real mystery why their energy levels vary so much.

Those hyperactive days, though, they're something else. It's like they're on a mission to prove they're the most vigilant security team in the universe. You can almost imagine them reporting to an imaginary boss, trying to earn some sort of "Guard of the Year" award. I often wondered if there was an invisible boss watching their every move, ready to dole out commendations.

It's remarkable how these security guards can turn the ordinary into the extraordinary with their peculiar quirks. So, if you've ever had a laugh or two at the expense of these security guard comedians, you're definitely not alone!